Posted by: Admin | August 5, 2010

DEAR BETH…

Dear Beth,

It’s been over a month now since you left your hometown. You’ve been away before – to Uni for a year at 18, back-packing alone across the US at 19 – but I’d kind of got used to having you nearby. I guess most parents would have thrown up their hands in horror when their daughter announced she was jacking in her job and taking off to work a summer season by the sea, but my parenting has always had at its core a policy of benign neglect. Besides, your dad and me, we knew it was time for you to fly away again.

How I miss your lovely face...

You didn’t reckon on having to deal with a broken heart and I didn’t reckon on not being able to give you a hug when you needed it. I’m so glad you’ve made such good friends, as you do wherever you go, but I wish I could spend even an hour face to face so that I can see for myself you’re all right. The need to touch you, to be in your physical presence is a powerful, visceral force that takes my breath away.

I remember the bitter, metallic taste of a broken heart: that pounding, sinking, sickening feeling, that salty rage that breaks over you in waves and makes your heartbeat throb in your ears, that red-tinged madness that feels as if it will never, ever end, leaving you hollow and empty.

But it does end, my darling girl. It will ebb and flow and, eventually, quieten to gentle sorrow and even, hard though it might be to believe just now, a gratitude for the good times you had. My advice, if only I was near enough to give it, is to allow yourself to feel every emotion that pummels you. Ride them out, don’t push them away or they’ll be back to bite you on the bum when you least expect it. So be sad, be mad, then move on.

You’ll recognise love when it finds you again, and you’ll never accept anything but the kind that cherishes and nurtures you in equal measure to the love you give. Don’t allow yourself to hide your heart away for too long – protect it, but don’t steel-coat it. Love yourself first and foremost, for you are the most loveable woman, the most deserving soul. (Start with loving your liver …!) Believe me when I tell you, you will survive: so long as you know how to love, I know you’ll stay alive. For you’ve got all your life to live and you’ve got all your love to give and you’ll survive, you will survive, hey hey!

Now I’ve come over all derivative, I know it’s time for me to sign off. You probably won’t even read this, or at least not for a while, but I feel better for having written it. I’ll see you next month but, meanwhile, you know where I am when you need me. And if you don’t, well, that’s okay too. I love you, child of my heart and wherever you are, sober or otherwise, I hold you close to me.

All my love, always,

Mum xxx

For you – get those tap-dancing feet out:

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Responses

  1. love you mummy xx


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