Posted by: Admin | April 22, 2011

Who AM I?

I met someone the other day who “knows” me through subscribing to the blog. “You’re nothing like  I imagined you to be,” she told me (somewhat sadly, I fancy). It got me thinking – who am I? And why is there a disconnect between the “me” who writes on here and the “me” who you see face to face?

As if to underline the point (ie: make me realise that I really do have to address this issue!) my sister remarked that daughter number 2 and I are very alike. Now, anyone who knows her will tell you that no. 2 is bright and feisty, not afraid to say her piece and always up for a boogie. I, on the other hand, am generally quite restrained outside the four walls of my home, sometimes a little nervous and really quite shy. I told my sister this and she said, “I don’t mean now – I mean when you were young.”

Ouch! She’s right. I used to be a much louder, more visible, more vibrant version of the person I am now. So where did she go? Who AM I?

Let me tell you what I think. The “real me” is the person you know on this blog. The person you meet will be a shade of the real me that depends on how much I have allowed myself to be battered by whatever is going on around me. The day I met this lady, for example, I was feeling anxious and tired and was experiencing one of the more tiresome menopausal symptoms – brain fog, so I wasn’t as coherent as usual. I can lay my worries aside, of course, when I’m in my professional role. I don’t turn up to people’s weddings a nervous wreck! But day to day, I allow the vagaries of  life to affect me far too much. So if you meet me in “real” life, try not to be too disappointed. I am the person you met here – but I might be a little bit tired and battered!

Enough is enough. I’m nearly fifty, for goodness sake: surely it’s time I was my authentic self 100%? I need to practice letting go of the emotional hurly burly that sabotages my piece of mind and live in the moment. That’s going to be my mission in the run up to the big five-oh. Oh, the irony – I am planning to “work hard” at “letting go”! What are the chances of success for that strategy, do you think?

project50 is going to lie fallow over the Easter holiday while I “let go” and kick back with my family. If you come back in that time, I hope you enjoy looking back through the archives (see the tab: “new to the blogosphere?” above if you’re… well, new to the blogosphere and need guidance).

The song below is for everyone who is emerging from the shadows – this is our time to shine. 

Happy Holidays, everyone. xxx


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Responses

  1. In Paganism, they have a version of the Trinity called the Triple Goddess. Three aspects of woman at different times of her life ie. Maiden, Mother and Crone. The maiden who is carefree, vibrant and nubile; The Mother who is nurturing, dynamic and protective and The Crone who has wisdom, experience and knowledge. They are all the same woman, they all have their own beauty and power. It’s also an opportunity to rejoice in the different phases of life rather than yearning for the person we were at a different time.

    Happy Easter x

    • Thanks, WH. Pity that the word “crone” has such negative connotations in our society. Evidence, perhaps, of the misogynistic attitude towards older women that still persists in some minds today. Take gynaecological surgery – I have a friend who was advised to have a hysterectomy on the grounds that her womb was now redundant anyway. Imagine a man being told they were going to remove his testicles because he’s already performed his function as a father?

      Im looking forward to my wise elder years. For now though, I’m in limbo – I know nothing! X

  2. Just spent a (long) evening reading through all the archives of your blog. You often put words that clearly describe my feelings. And your photography is magical. THANKS for sharing yourself with so many of us!

    Hope you have a lovely, renewing Easter holidays 😀

    • Thank you so much, Jill, for your kind words and encouragement. Welcome to the project – I’ve seen all your comments. Thank you for sharing your story

      It’s always so good to “meet” someone who gets what I’m trying to do 😉


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