Posted by: Admin | June 11, 2011

A matter of importance

Today I have been preoccupied with a question of grave importance. It has involved me in considerable heart-searching, involving time and effort and consulting with others. It is not a matter to be taken lightly, nor is it something that one has to contemplate every day. It has, in short, been exhausting.

What, I have asked  myself, am I going to wear to my party? (You didn’t know I could be this shallow, did you, huh?) All you fashionistas out there – look away now.

Thing is, I don’t do dresses as a rule. My legs only come out at the swimming baths: I live and work in trousers (mostly jeans). Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with my legs, you understand, I just prefer clothes that let me leap around without flashing my knickers.

Women’s clothing is so bloomin’ impractical (even trousers don’t have enough pockets). Not only do skirts and dresses allow unfortunate draughts to tickle one’s undercarriage, they require the wearing of tights or stockings. Well, you can forget the stockings – bloody ridiculous fastenings – and as for tights, who in the name of Pretty Polly invented those? Assuming you can get a pair to fit you (no mean task – one size? ha bloody ha) a second pair of underpants worn over the top is necessary to stop them rolling over the belly and creeping to mid-thigh, thus acting as a hobbler. (a friend of mine – who shall remain nameless for obvious reasons – was shooting a wedding recently and had to nip behind a pew to peel hers off mid-ceremony).

I could go bare-legged, of course, but bearing in mind that my legs see the light of day so rarely, you can imagine the luminescence of my bluish-white skin. There isn’t enough fake tan in the Midlands to rectify this state of affairs. Nor wax – omg, I don’t think I can face it!

And on to the shoe situation. Can someone please explain to me why would anyone want to walk around on mini stilts all day?  I know, I know – heels make the legs and derriere look more sexy, taking small steps makes a woman look helpless and sexually appealing, yada yada yada. I’m far too busy to think about looking sexy all the time. I have places to go, things to do. Shoes are made for walking (and running) in, not for displaying my (not inconsiderable ;-)) assets.

The Playtex 18 hour girdle

Oh dear – do I sound awfully grumpy? It’s this dressing up malarky – it makes me feel impatient. There’s just so much fuss involved. You  might like to know that I DID buy a dress, AND the appropriate undergarments. I drew the line at the Playtex 18 hour girdle – lifts and separates all day long – as pictured left. I want to be able to breathe. And move. Can you imagine wearing such a thing all day? 

I know that many of you reading this will be spluttering into your coffee. I do try, honestly I do. Ask  my daughters. They were both subjected to a barrage of picture text messages – what about this one? Too much cleavage? Good colour? Does my nose look big in this? – oh yes, modern technology means that I can shop with my girls even when they are miles away! And the upshot is that I shall appear at my birthday party looking as if I have made the requisite effort and, for one night only, my legs will be making an exclusive public appearance. Then they’ll disappear back into my jeans, where they belong. 

Happy Saturday!



  1. Oh Jo, I love the way you articulate, your post really made me smile ! As long as you feel comfy that’s relly all that matters, if you have had the ok from your girls hn worry not, daughters are the best critic !!
    Don’t forget to exfoliate the legs and be liberal with the moisturiser….don’t go for the cross your heart brassiere if one cares to sport a clevage… have a splendid party and enjoy ‘yourself’. Kim xx

  2. Gosh, I’d never thought about wearing a second pair of pants over my tights – isn’t that just asking for a disconcerting fungal infection? At least you’d never get sexually assaulted, it’d be like throwing cucumbers at a trampoline.

    The thing with high heels is you have to practice wearing them. As a youth I wore stilettos every day and I could actually run in them. Then I moved to the country and lived in Doc Martens and comfy sandals so I could run after my toddlers, and now I’ve trained myself back into high heels. I never mince in them, I stride out manfully – er – womanfully. Make the distinction between heels you can actually walk in and shoes that are only for lying down in!

    If you’re wearing a low cut dress, I heartily recommend going to The Little Big Bra shop in Market Harborough and getting fitted for a really sexy one. It will do wonders for your honkers and will feel gorgeously comfortable as well.

    Thus spake the Wartime Housewife.

  3. oh yes..i am with you fully….jeans jeans jeans…in the Carib it was short shorts shorts. I own one dress that I bought for a special occasion one year to take back to the Carib should I be invited somewhere that needed such a garment. I wore it 7 months later to my own wedding, thank you M&S!…Enjoy your eveing in your dress, I know when you put it on you will feel a million $$$$$$$$$$$$$$’S, I did! Looking forward to seeing the photo’s of your special day….oh and your birthday !!!!!!!!!!

  4. Thanks for your comments, girls! I would like it to be known that I am not acquainted with any “disconcerting fungal infections”, nor have I any experience in “throwing cucumbers at a trampoline” lol! xxx

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